Just a few minutes ago I killed a rat in my house. Liz and I returned from our honeymoon with news that we had a "mouse". A slight underestimation. My mom and my baby sister cleaned our house for us so we would have a nice home to come back to. They discovered that a creature had chewed through the bag and eaten a good share of our bread.
So one of my first husbandly duties was to buy a mouse trap for our "mouse".
I went to our neighborhood grocery store (not H.E.B.) and looked for traps. I purchased the only thing they had, a small plastic trap. I brought it home and set it out. Our little "mouse" did not like peanut butter so I replaced it with bread....We knew he liked bread....sorry Dr. Atkin your diet is not practised among "mice".
While making the change I discovered these little plastic traps did not hurt. In fact they put out less pressure than your average clothes pin. I do not know why I even put them out. These things would not even hurt the world's smallest mouse. I set the trap off on my little finger several times to demonstrate this. Also I realized that it took more pressure to trigger the trap than the trap actually possessed in clamping down. I was able to reach in and roughly take the bread without setting it off. After proving to myself and my wiffey (wife) that these traps were completely useless and would do no good in catching our "mouse" I baited them and set them in "strategic locations". I guess I at least wanted to piss the "mouse" off with these things... after all I did spend ten bucks for these pieces of crap.
5:30 this morning my wiffey wakes me up. "I think a trap just went off." She says. I go to investigate. I turn on as many lights as possible not wishing to give any pissed off rodents with the notion of bull rushing me and biting my bare feet any advantage.
The first trap is still set. I bend and look in the cabinet... the second trap has gone off but is empty. I am not surprised....stupid waste of ten bucks. I notice a hole in the zip lock bag we put around our tortillas to give it extra protection. Did not work...that sucka ate half the tortillas. Well with no sign of the mouse I decide to relieve my bladder and return to my comfortable bed.
I approach the toilet in our bathroom and I detect movement behind the comode. I back away hoping to go to the kitchen to get a box and somehow...idk how trap this little mouse.
As I am one step away from the door a rat the size of my first cat starts making a break for the door...or maybe he was going to bite me....he did look evil. And I think that crap trap may have scared him while he was enjoying a delicious meal of tortillas. His one pound tail may have set off the trap. Pissed and ready for revenge he is charging me ready willing and able to infect me with his ratsy diseases. (rabies if you want to get all technical) I move with my ninja like speed step fully out of the bathroom and grab the door handle in one graceful fluid motion.
Man that sucker is fast for such a big guy I thought to myself. The race was on. With my hand on the door nob I was pulling it shut as ratatouille was getting closer. He was to the door and trying to round the corner and get in front of it when I went into super ninja speed and pulled the door faster and with a tighter grip. He was caught in between the door and the door jam. Holding the door tightly was keeping him pinned. He was huge. I was trying to crush him by shutting the door completely but he was way too fat. Half his body was sticking out the front of the door. He began to beg for his life knowing that I was in control now. Squealing as loud as some pigs before the slaughter he looked up at me with his big black eyes as if to say....please sir, I will be a good r.o.u.s. (rodent of unusual sizes) if you let me go I promise to leave and never come back.
I did not fall for his little trick. I know a lying rat when i see one. He my friends was a liar. I will not go into the details beyond this point because my baby sister reads this blog.
I will only say that after Liz brought me my hammer there was quite a mess to clean up. I will be taking those crap traps back to Randall's in exchange for some more tortillas and going to a real store for some real traps. I do not want to have to do what I did today on a regular basis.
It had to be done. Sorry animal lovers....Rats are evil.
